10/6/02 - Changing of Seasons

Fall arrived, and not with much of a celebration, just a cold gust of air and a frosty evening. Arkady finally resigned his post, not like that was unexpected, it didn't happen with a bang, so much as it happened with a heavy sigh. And that put me where? As Prince of a ragtag city, with problems I couldn't fix in the various positions I pissed through. Its doubtful I can fix them now, in fact, I'd gather that my odds just got a lot worse, on a lot of different fronts. The rooftop pool was closed down, and now it is ghostly and haunted, eerily quiet and still. The occassional rippling of the tarp, sometimes I watched the sky for mist, and one night it even rained.

So beyond that, there was council and court, and the emptiness of the roof, I continue to go through the motions of what I should be doing, what I was taught to do, its not so hard to autopilot, beneath that, there is a numbness. Beneath that there is a fear that the numbness is permanent. Maybe I now understand Bukowski's distress, to feel nothing. Pain is preferable. Though granted, I have no interest in physical pain, but its easy enough to call up the pain of loss, rejection, disappointment, if only for a moment before the numbness returns. I closed up the room, and locked the door.

Within the blood, they say. Part and parcel to the clan you were brought into. Shades of history, all tangled up. Is it such an ingrained thing, like second nature that I don't even realize what I do, or maybe its true that were are all manipulated and controlled in some way by the ancients...not something I care to fathom. No evidence for it either, might as well say I'm being controlled by aliens, and call myself a malk. I cant deny the patterns though, I've taken empires before, or had them handed to me by fate, though I have to confess that this most recent acquisition pales in comparison to the one taken from my late husband so many years ago. Slight similarities and nothing more. Either way, whether it was twists of fate or planned intervention, all acquisitions come at a price, and I'm not sure I'm going to want to pay the dues on this one. But I won't say it...won't be guilty of that which I berate others for - the old "I never wanted this job" excuse. Too bad, here's where you are. Deal with it.