11/2/02 Dissolution of Self

I have never been innocent. I have faked it, many times. I could be anything to anyone. Never was the prettiest, but I always had the advantage, I knew how to be anything that wasn't me. Somewhere, I lost myself. Maybe I never knew myself to begin with, what I ever was, what I ever am is a patchwork of what I am supposed to be, what others want me to be. And such an identity has served me, this lack of identity, this morphology.

It serves me at least, until the lies catch up with me. They always do, and its not even surprising when they do. Not so much spoken lies, as the lies of ommission, the lies of a guilty facade. One barrier is broken, and another is built just as quickly. Another facade, no less guilty than the first.

So, to get to the specifics of the thing. I was exposed for the evil manipulative bitch that I am, by Arkady no less. "Bitch." What can I say, I can apologize for what I did, but not who I am. I can make no promises, guarantee no satisfaction. Read the fine print. I'm sure there are many that would also concur with the evaluation, and endless stream of people to point the finger at me, and endless litany of the wrongs I have committed. I think I might just be getting warmed up. I'll get better and not worse, and in this case, better is worse. It is true, that I am my sire's childe, in a family known for its ability to fuck you over, half the time, you won't even realize it, until its far too late.
I can't really deny that. As I get older, I just get better tools. I don't mean to be bad, I just am. Might as well shake your fist at the rain and bitch at it for being wet. I'd say I can't change, but I know I can, the problem is, the changes are not always in the right direction, they're more unilateral. So, its time to make that shift, better to move sideways than to stay in the same place, and moving forward isn't always an option. Better to bail out before the ship goes down entirely, at least while there is still some amicability to work with.

And now its time to cut those ties again, time to redefine. One hand hand, the ties were cut for me, and I was pushed into this direction, now that I'm here I have to choose the best course with limited options. A malkavian told me that the only way to go now, is down.
This is the next evolution, the next step in the dissolution of self.