November 17th, 2002 - Choices

I think I always get depressed at the beginning of November, there's my D-day, and then the changing of the seasons, this year was particularly nasty, but I'm getting over that. Inevitably, depression and guilt turns to anger and a period of self evaluation, and these things aren't all bad.

I lost Bukowski, not entirely sure how that happened. He's just gone, most likely left on his own accord. I don't think he's dead, but I'm not entirely sure, he'd made a few enemies. Arkady left about the same time, it was a familiar scene, on a lot of different levels. A cautionary experience, like so many others to remind me not to become dependent or attached. There's an endless stream of people that come and go from my life, I'm determined not to get pessimistic about it, take it for what it is. Each person adds something to the whole, even if it doesn't last. From Bukowski, I learned to live for the moment, to not attach too much significance to events and people, but to enjoy that moment of time, and when its gone move on. From Arkady, I learned to have the courage to defend the ideal, even though the individuals will eventually disappoint you, there's always something worth fighting for. And even farther back, from Reilly, I learned to not be afraid of risk.

So, there's just me and Jaxon, blood of my blood. I wonder if I will learn as much from him as he will from me. I wonder if he will be able to endure the stress and trials of his new position. It is worth the risk.

Meanwhile, Dominique is embroiled in a scandal of monumental proportions, some conspiracy with a Setite, some assassination plot against Eva, and more webs than a person can even count. I demoted him, what else could I do. Some might wish for a bloodhunt to be called on him. Not going to do it, I don't trust the setites or the giovanni enough to call a hunt based on their word alone. Then there was that mess with a ghoul and the breach of the masquerade. Dominique blaming Kroh for the initial problem, though the problem was made worse when Dominique gave Kroh the missing information. I told him to kill Klaudio, it was impulsive, and I was angry. Dominique meanwhile is painting himself as a martyr, saying that everything he did he did for the good of the sect. It might be true, but I doubt it. And if it is true, then his actions lead me to believe that he lacks the judgement necessary to lead the clan. Nayan will do fine.

Eva Jentre is now seneschal, her job is to screen the whining. I think I'll set her first task as figuring out what is up with the Tremere. Typically, that clan isn't one to shirk their duties within the camarilla, or be flighty. I expect it from the Malkavians, but not from the Tremere. Speaking of the Malkavians, they have the worst luck. Can't keep a primogen around, then when they do finally get someone that looks like they'll do a decent job, turns out to be a Setite. I can't help but wonder if the Malkavians knew, and they really don't care who represents them either way. I had the setite killed, what else could I do.