7/04/02 - Ambivalence

I am twisted so many different directions, probably because there are so many different paths to achieving ends, and then I realize that my ends are not that clearly defined. Trog asked me what I want - the truth of the matter is, what I want is hard to define and likely to change on a daily basis. I suppose I'm fickle. That, or I have a propensity to self-sabotage and I should face the fact that I'll never go anywhere except the opposite direction of where I am going currently.

Arkady did tug the reigns on Trog, quite publicly I might add, though I felt trog's apology afterwords was hollow and insincere. There may be change, but it was at a great price to myself and the others I involved in it. There is no doubt in my mind that Trog will resort to violence and achieve his own ends. People don't change that much. And everyone might be forgiving of his past transgressions, a leopard doesn't change his spots. I have no doubt that should Arkady make decisions that Trog doesn't agree with (as Emmanual did) that Trog will follow the same course of action that worked for him before. By extension, I have no doubt that Trog and his nosferatu allies will try to make my life very unpleasant. So be it. The funny thing is, I don't really even fault him for that method to achieve his ends, its a common, straightforward and effective method. But lets not pretend that its the camarilla ideal. Be anarchs or don't be anarchs, but this fence sitting by the management is making a mockery of both ideals.

And this is where the ambivalency comes in. But I've put my chips on the camarilla, so now I have to do what I can to make the bet pay off. There's also a perspective....in Austin, I was in an environment that had existed for nearly a century, nothing shifted, nothing really changed except the occasional backstabbing and boon brokering. St Louis is like a pioneer city. I should write a book, the chronicles of how a prince comes to power, not by appointments, not by justicars, and not by age, but by sheer will. Oh the trials and tribulations of such an endeavor. It is something that I imagine many parties would be interested in reading, those that wish to pioneer their own fledgling states under a new social order, an order that is based in original camarilla ideals, but follows a new model. It can work. It will work.