7/17/02 - Esoteric

You fall and crawl and you take what you get....

And its frustrating, I wouldn't mind the belly crawl so much if the view wasn't so bad. And for a very very long time I just kept my mouth shut and I did what I had to do, it was an unattainable dream and a simple one, that some day the view might be a little bit better. And eventually reach the breaking point, leave the entire scenery behind, only to crawl on my belly in another scene, with another shitty view.

Lay back, its all been done before. Why I find myselves in these cyclic patterns, as if doing the same thing over and over again is going to produce different results - isn't that the true measure of insanity.

So where am I now? Still belly crawling, view's a little better, in the right angle, with the right lighting. Why then, with that golden opportunity, words like "you could be seneschal" do I balk? The one chance I have to get off my belly and climb in ranks of the ivory tower, beyond the glass ceiling. And the offer is insulting to me. Is it because I realize now that the view isn't much better from up there, and the company is certainly worse. And why do I have to be so complicated... why is everyone else so complicated.

Arkady with his self flagellation, its as bad as Bukowski. Elena with telling Buk she'd embrace, when all the belly-crawlers know she'd just kill him, one way or another. All the neonates that don't even realize they're on their bellies, and maybe the view isn't so bad to them. Those that die and turn to dust, Merrique, Dario; and those that leave and might as well turn to dust: Ren and finally those that might as well be dust (too many names to write). Fickle things, trite personas, and cliche's of existance..why do I even care.

And Warren decides the life of the harpy is just too complicated for him. Honestly, its all too complicated for me too, but I'm not getting into it. The truth of the matter is, Trog is going to kill him. And I cannot blame the man for stepping back, rewinding, and reassessing. Its not worth it. I wonder with my own fickle nature, how long it will take before its no longer worth it to me either. Course there is one difference, I don't have a lot of morals that would stop me from killing someone if I had to. Me and Trog are a lot a like that way. But Warren is a self-professed lover, of a clan with no support structure, and no inherent deathwishes. Can't say I blame the man at all. Just hope he can endure the view.

Meanwhile, contented as I am to enjoy the view from below rather than from above, in the typical theme of my entire life, I set myself up for trips that are bound to end badly. Its expected. Hope withers, trust dies. When does it all stop becoming a game, and you have real vested interests in the foundations you lay, only to know they'll crumble just as slowly and painfully as everything else does. Well, pessimism doesn't suit me. And I don't mind building something pretty, even if it doesn't last, it does improve the view for a little while.